I started a free Flickr account sometime last year. But the free account limits you to how many photos or sets of photos you can post. So recently I opened a paid account. In addition to that I took on a project that many people are also doing -- its called 365. The idea is to take one self-portrait for one year. I am now into Day 14.
As the title here indicates this photo of me is an out-take. In the end for today's submittal it is the better shot. I just didn't like it because, well as I said in the photo description:
"I have submitted too many shots where I am not smiling. You'd think from all the serious poses I have done I lead a grim life. Not so. Lotsa friends and good experiences (oh, the last two weeks have been not so great -- took a whack in the confidence dept.) and it isn't the end of the world."
I am so thankful for my friends. They are so gracious to me; so loving. Just yesterday one of them delivered a patio set that he and his wife offered to me for free. It is in such good condition, and against so many other things that I need on a monthly basis, I have often looked at patio sets to always conclude that maybe next year I'll be able to afford one. Its not like I am poor. Oh no. But in this Calgary economy, with inflation at 6.5 percent, there are practical needs and there are luxuries. A patio set is a luxury...that I now can enjoy. Thank you R&T.
But as indicated all has not been well. Part of the whack I took had to do with stretching my wings in being single again. I went to a party sponsored by a group at a church other than my own. The whole thing was to have fun, yet in the course of trying to get to know some people I came away feeling much like I did in high school: inadequate in meeting girls; not knowing how to ask the right questions or how to respond to questions of others. The rules and social courtesies a man is supposed to know, that kind of thing.
I am not a person to put on "airs"; I am not a person who tells lies or makes himself to be something he's not. IOW, I am WYSIWYG -- What You See Is What You Get. You ask me a question, I'll give you an answer. I won't be brutally honest because I've been on the end of that shotgun, and its a cruel, hurtful reality. I guess I don't do rooms very well (and there goes my aspirations of being a politician (smile)). I do, however, have a great sense of humour when it counts. I can give as good as I take. I will take a lot, if its fun. I do have wit; am well-read; kind. I once posted on one of those single sites the following description:
"I think its possible for a nice guy to finish first and get the gal these days. I am demonstrating that being honest and kind pays off. I am leading a life centred on fidelity, friendship and integrity. I have travelled abroad to give aid, and it taught me about balance. I have a good government job, good friends; am seeking a woman who shares my interests and mature Christian values; who can enrich my life – be my best friend -- be active together. Your glass is half-full most of the time. If you like the smell of fresh earth, and wildflowers along mountain trails, perhaps you want to find out more about me. Sometimes I am a homebody, listening to a variety of music, reading books, and watching PBS. Would you agree two heads are better than one? I am easy to talk with, and I trust you are too. Just so you know I have been separated for over three years now, and soon this chapter will be closing. I am looking to spread my wings."
What held as true then, still does (except I am no longer married). I believe that there should be more nice guys in this world. I was born in the wrong era. I would have gladly been a part of a time when men still tipped their hats to women they knew (or wanted to know, and when they still wore hats).
So it was that I was nervous when, a few days before the party, I had lunch with a woman who I thought I would really like to know (i guess I still do). I made a few gaffes. I also asked her out too soon afterwards. Then with what followed a few evenings later I really felt that I blew it. I began to wonder what will it take to find the person whom I am seeking and whom I described above. My friends said (say), "don't worry about it, just be yourself, and one day she will appear before you when you aren't expecting her" (thanks MT & GC). I really got to believe that, don't I?
It is the interim that is a killer. I miss the love and intimacy that comes from being in a committed marriage. Man was not meant to be living alone, esp. with all the ills that are just a mouse click away. Here too I have been experiencing some sexual tension I would rather not have (and that's all I am going write about it).
So after mulling over all of this for a couple weeks I took on some housecleaning therapy yesterday. I know women do retail therapy, but the above usually does the trick for me. There is no one to blame here, nor is there a need. I know that if I continue to be me, and shake off that desperate and needy feeling, I will be well.
Lord, will you help me get grounded again?