Monday, April 21, 2008

Blue Funk Railroad

For the last day now I have been in a bit of a blue funk. I cannot quite pinpoint its cause, except that it may have to do with some reflections on my last relationship going south or how sometimes I struggle with my sister’s principled acceptance with the illogical. Hey, it may even have to do with all the snow that is blanketing Alberta and Saskatchewan too.

First, I am forty-seven and I ain’t getting any hugging and kissing. Okay that might not be such a big deal as the other kind of intimacy: the handholding, long walks and mutual support and view towards the future. But it doesn’t seem right going to movies and weddings alone. Also being pursued as I was six months ago gave my ego a tremendous boost; I was happy being in a relationship (until it shifted). I wouldn’t mind being back in that place. It seemed at the time a lot of physical aches and pains momentarily disappeared. Thus, I believe there is a strong association with good emotional health and good physical health. I miss the good “things” that came with being in a relationship. I know I am in rebound. I am advancing beyond the initial heartbreak. I am regaining a good picture of who I am and my potential. I know I court disaster if I get desperate because I think I will be alone. It doesn’t help either casting my view throughout the city as I walk wondering if the next woman I see is the one for me. Perhaps it used to be that way back in the Forties, but I don’t know if that still can happen today. So there is a lot of conflict here.

My sister is older than me by fifteen years. But, being male I think I have some responsibility to look out for her. She is intelligent, but sometimes her logic goes against what I consider better judgement. Like normal siblings we have arguments. Also, we each possess a strong stubborn streak. It frustrates me at times that when I present arguments based on facts supported by evidence that she is resistant to changing her mind. I am the least one to be called Mr. Spock, but this denial of the logical irritates me. I also look at her and I sometimes wonder how close I will become in accepting the same habits she now possesses. Maybe the underlying root to how I feel is fear. Perhaps I fear that somewhere along the continuum a genetic trigger will fire leaving me exposed to chronic pain issues like she has. I already notice some changes similar to patterns and ailments she is living.

And darn it, when will all this snow stop falling? I have a BBQ planned on Friday. I want good weather to enjoy it with my friends.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think we will enjoy your BBQ regardless of the snow.